I think that the fact you are asking these questions likely means that you are going to be fine no matter what choice(s) you make.

I think your questions are dealing with an area that is far bigger than the both of us, and it’s layered in life. I would think, in fact hope, that you never stop wrestling with these questions.

On the other hand, you may be over-analyzing. : )

There is no crime in changing your stand on issues or beliefs as you grow older. Not all change is growth, but growth requires change, and if you aren’t growing you’re dying. I certainly hope I change some of my current views in the future, and God knows I’ve changed plenty over the past. Change, even a reversal, doesn’t necessarily imply selling out. It may mean wisdom has come.

On the other hand, to violate your principles for something less valuable is a definite sell-out. And there’s the rub, right? What is ultimately more valuable? And that’s your choice: what are you going to value as a creature, as a human, as a woman, etc?

From my perspective, with my history, at my age, my brief observations/lessons/opinions are:

1. The greatest evils are: violating the trust of another person, hurting somebody on purpose, disregarding others’ good for the sake of your own gain, and prohibiting others from being true to themselves.

2. Humility is life, pride is death. Period.

3. Nothing you have, nothing you can get, nothing you do, nothing you can do, is your own. You have it and do it for the good it can bring to others. At the end of the day, there is something unavoidably dissatisfying about making your life be all about yourself.

Having said all that, I can’t say that “the game” is inherently right or wrong; good or evil. Same with playing it. It’s your heart and your motives along the way. Sometimes they make you engage the game, sometimes they make you bow out. Sometimes it’s all about choosing the lesser of two evils, sometimes about choosing between great and good. No easy answers.

But yes, there is a fuzzy and frighteningly enticing line in each game where the game will take you and change you. As long as you stay humble, as long as you are willing to look stupid, as long as you keep loving your dear ones first, as long as you never become complacent, as long as you are willing to say “I’ve made a horrible mistake,” the game may bite you and chew on you, but it won’t devour you. Yes, it will absolutely try to change you, but you don’t have to let it do so.

Quick and dirty? For me, I suppose you could put it this way: To this day, I don’t think the odds of changing the game are very good. The game is inherently corrupt. But, you can’t do much to help the other people on the chess board by standing off to the side and shaking your fist. Engage the game and be the soul of whichever place you find yourself on any given day. When you fall down (and you will, in ways big or small), stand back up wiser and more humble, and re-engage. And on the day you look into the mirror and realize you are losing touch with yourself, or others are suffering by your hand, stop. Exit gracefully if you can, give the middle finger if you must, but either way find a more honorable way of life. People are more important that power, prestige, money and possessions. Love matters most. It is the only thing that is Real.

So says me, and with twenty years on you, I still fight it—and myself—every day.

And about feeding rainbows to the ego, you are what you think of yourself